


clockwork

by MANIAvinyl



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Illness, Other, PTSD, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is not okay, anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 20:53:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15009239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MANIAvinyl/pseuds/MANIAvinyl
Summary: There’s something beautifully tragic about the way Tony Stark’s mind works— too fast and in all the wrong directions.It’s like broken clockwork.So when things start getting rough again, Tony doesn’t quite know who to turn to— or how.





	clockwork

There’s something beautifully tragic about the way Tony Stark’s mind works— too fast and in all the wrong directions.

And in life it helped him, because to be successful means to be different, and lord knows Tony Stark is different. 

However, If you asked him, he’d probably say he hates it. 

But there are some people in his life that can take the edge off, he’d realized, and keep him afloat. And though every professional he’d seen would say dependency is non-argumentatively _bad_ , it was the only way he knew how to survive.

Pepper had been the first, there with him through all of the afghanistan aftermath, through the sleepless nights and paranoia-laced days.

But then Pepper was gone, claiming she needed a break from Tony and all of his ways. And he was left alone again, but this time he didn’t mind it as much because, honestly, he knew he needed to find a way to survive without her. Because if he’s nothing when she’s not there then he doesn’t deserve her at all. 

Rodhey was another. He was probably the one person, besides Pepper, who knew the most about Tony. 

Steve had been the third. Technically, Tony’d say Steve and the _rest_ of the team, which is true because of Bruce and Clint and Natasha and everyone, but mostly, it was Steve. Because some of your best friends are the one you clash with the most.

And then is was the kid. That stupid spider-boy from Queens. Tony knew that a piece of him only took him in because he had no father, and all he wanted to do was provide to _somebody_ what he never felt like he had. And in a way, it helped.

Tony Stark doesn’t cry, he told himself bitterly. But still, his eyes burned. Tony stark doesn’t cry.

And he’d be staying at the compound, minding his business, meeting with managers, and signing agreements. 

In between 5 o’clock business meetings and late-night government calls came the empty, dull panic that he did everything to overcome, but just couldn’t.

He sat in his chair, the black leather spinning one in his office, lights turned low because his head just wouldn’t stop fucking pounding. He’d had to turn around the framed photo on his desk; it was one of all the avengers, together. Even the kid was there.

“You gonna go to bed?” said a voice from the hallway, and Tony jumped. 

“Nope,” he said, spinning around to face the captain. “Got a call at ten that I have to figure out.”

“You alright?”

“What? I’m fine— listen, I really have got to focus on this.”

“You’re looking a little pale there, Stark.”

“I’m fine,” Tony muttered, finally tuning his back. “It’s fine.”

Tony knew it wasn’t fine, that all he could see when he saw Steve’s face was the monsters, the cold metallic aliens through the wormhole, and then his friends’ dead bodies, but he forced himself to say it anyways. Because Tony Stark didn’t cry. 

“Okay.” Steve moved to close the door. “I’ll be in the lounge.”

“I didn’t ask,” Tony called as the captain left.

—

“Stressed?” Steve asked, sitting comfortably on the couch. Tony sighed. 

“I guess.”

“TV?”

“No.”

“Alright.”

“Where is everyone?”

“Who knows.”

Tony was silent, and leaned back in the reclining chair and shut his eyes tightly. The images were back. God, they never left him alone.

“Anything wrong?” asked Steve. It made Tony angry, how innocent he sounded.

“Really?” he said, opening his eyes. “There’s always something wrong. You know that, right? That there’s always something fucking wrong with me.”

“Anything _new_ that’s wrong?” asked the captain without skipping a beat. Tony let out a long breath and paused.

“This isn’t your problem,” he sighed finally. “I’m handling it myself.”

“Just like you handle everything yourself?” challenged Steve. Tony winced; there was an edge to his voice.

“What?”

“Sokovia, New York... the list goes on, Tony. I don’t want you to do something stupid again this time.”

“So, saving you and possibly the entire world is just _me doing something stupid_?”

“Stark, you flew headfirst into a wormhole.”

“And I saved the world, so I don’t see the issue here.” but his blood ran cold when a cold sweat inched up his spine. He tried his best to shove it away.

“You could’ve died!” 

“And you’re all _going_ to die if we do _nothing_.” Tony was struggling for air. “I’ve seen the endgame. We’re no- we’re n-no match for it.”

“We’re the avengers. We do it together, whenever the endgame comes.”

Tony put his hands on his forehead. “We will _die_. We can’t save ourselves, or our planet— you haven’t seen what I’ve seen. You haven’t—“ his voice faltered as he remembered his vision, of Steve and Hulk and Natasha and the rest, on the ground, _dead_ , as the massive aliens fly miles above. _Endgame._ “You haven’t seen them...”

“Tony?”

“I’ll be right back,” Tony gasped, and stumbled across the room, feeling Steve’s eyes burn holes, like acid, through his back, into the bathroom. With trembling hands he locked the door.

Usually he could talk about that— it’s not a fresh wound anymore— but with the recent stress and Pepper’s absence Tony seemed to be unraveling. 

Then he leaned against the counter and looked himself dead in the eye. His face was pale— too pale. He checked his pulse— too fast. Maybe it really was a heart attack this time.

He splashed water against his face but it only made him feel panicked, cold, and uncomfortable.

“Tony? You want to unlock the door?” said Steve.

“No, I- I do not want to do that.” Tony pushed his hair out of his face with a shaking hand. “Go away.”

“How are you handling things now?” came the response, and Tony hated Steve for saying that.

“Will y-you, will you shut up about that stupid argument f-for a single—“ Tony gasped, bracing himself against the counter again. “—second?” 

“Are you crying?”

“I- I don’t think so,” muttered Tony. “Just let m— just let me catch my breath, damnit.”

“Open the door, Stark.”

“Okay,” Tony said shakily after a moment. 

“Holy shit,” said Steve, standing awkwardly in the bathroom doorway. He looked at Tony like a statue in a museum— with distance.

“See,” Tony muttered, still breathless, “ _This_ is why I need to handle things on my own.”

“What’s _this_ , Tony? Is it an anxiety attack? Because Pepper told me you get those sometimes—“

“Yeah. Whatever. It‘s not important, and besides, I’m fine.” Tony straightened up and focused on keeping his breaths regular. “See? Handled.”

“You— okay. Alright, fine, Stark. I’m going to pretend to believe that you’re okay, just for now. But if you ever— ever realize that you want to drop your whole arrogance act, I’ll be here.”

“That was extremely passive aggressive, I felt,” replied Tony quietly. Then he stood up straight, brushed the dust off of his hoodie, and pushed his way out.

—

“I don’t know what to do,” Tony said into his phone, lying back on his bed, still fully clothed. The lights were off.

“Are you just gonna sit there, and not tell me why you’re calling me at one in the morning?” came Rhodes’s sharp reply. 

“No, I’m getting there. Rhodey, Steve knows something’s up.”

“So? Something’s always up. That’s not a surprise.”

“He wants me to talk to him. But I don’t know if I can do that.”

“You talked to me,” Rhodes pointed out.

“You _know_ that’s different.”

“Is it?”

“You, Pepper, and maybe Bruce are the only people— in this whole world, by the way— that I can drop my... drop my _pride_ around. I’m not about to add another to that circle.”

“Are you at the compound?”

“Yeah.”

“Did something _happen_?”

“Not really,” Tony said with an edge of annoyance. 

“You either talk to me, Tony, or I hang up. Because I’m too tired to decode your little ego trips right now.”

“Fine!” Tony snorted. “Fine. Whatever. I’ll talk to you. Or maybe I should get Bruce.”

“I’m here now, so shoot.”

Tony paused. “God, I hate this.”

“Hate what?”

“Feeling vulnerable,” Tony scoffed. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s _healthy_.” He could hear Rhodes sigh. “Go.”

Tony paused, though, collecting his thoughts before moving forward. 

“You know how you— you experience things, and then you see it over and over and over again? Like, in your head?” Tony started softly. “And it just won’t go away. Every time I close my eyes I _see_ something. I can’t sleep.”

“So it’s gotten worse.”

“ _Yes_ ,” Tony sighed. “It’s gotten so much worse.”

“Is this a repeat?”

“What?”

“A repeat. Of— of whatever happened after New York?”

“If I’m being honest, I don’t remember much of that,” Tony breathed. “You know. Instinct. Defense.”

“It’s probably better if you don’t. Look, Tony, I’m not there right now so I don’t know what’s up with you, but if it’s anything close to what happened four years ago I need you to talk to Steve. He can help, if it’s only by being a friend.”

“Okay,” said Tony softly. “I, um, I will. I’ll talk to him.”

“Good. I’m falling asleep on the phone here so I’m going to have to let you go. Is that alright? Will you be alright?”

“I’ll be fine. Goodnight, Rhodey.”

“Night.”

And then the line went dead, and Tony spent a few minutes staring up at the ceiling before rolling over and shoving his feet in his slippers.

—

“You’re still awake,” said Steve before Tony had a chance to speak. He turned around on the couch.

“Yeah,” said Tony, stuffing his hands in his hoodie pockets. 

“I just got word of a mission. Sent by Hoff— it’s there, if you want it.” He motioned to the table behind him; sitting on it was a file.

“How long?” Asked Tony.

“A week.”

“Kills?”

“None. It’s an extraction course. Minor combat if any.”

“Alright.” Tony sat down. “We should get the team together.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Tony rubbed his eyes. There was a long silence as he tried to find a way to start the conversation. “Earlier. When you asked if I was okay, and I said I was... I lied.” 

“I know.”

“I’m losing my mind, Capsicle,” said Tony, looking over at him from his spot at the table.

“I know.”

“And maybe it’s because Pepper’s gone, and _maybe,_ because she’s not here but I still feel the need to protect her, and you, and the team, and the entire population of Earth...” Tony stopped for a minute and struggled to take a deep breath. “Rhodes said I should talk to you.”

“I’m glad.”

“But!” Tony pointed his finger. “But, I will only talk if you stop acting like you know everything already.”

Steve blinked. “Okay?”

“Thank you. Now where was I? Oh, right, the part where _only I_ know the world is ending and it’s my job to protect _everyone_. That’s a little stressful, huh? Right? I’m not crazy?”

“You talk a lot when you’re upset,” said Steve softly, and it lacked the usual sense of superiority and leadership. It made Tony feel funny.

“I’m not upset.”

“You’re not? Then what was with—“

“I’m no more upset than I usually am,” Tony finished, cutting Steve off. “I’ve been alone since seventeen, captain. I deal with things differently. Always have. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t... wasn’t... you know.”

“Do you remember what I told you? When my parents died?”

“No- I _know_. I know I don’t have any reason, okay? There’s no reason I’m like this but fuck it, I am.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. But you do remember, right?”

“Your father died in the 107th. I know that.” Tony looked up miserably. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. That was a long time ago,” Steve murmured. “And... my mother tried, but she passed when I was fourteen. All I’m trying to tell you, Stark, is you’re not alone. I understand.”

“But _how_ could you understand?” Tony muttered helplessly. “I’m the only one who knows what’s coming.”

“You do know what I mean by don’t do anything stupid, right?”

“I think so.”

“Because people— _we_ — need you a whole lot more than we’d like to admit.”

“Was that your way of saying I love you?” Tony said, feigning sarcasm. His voice was dripping with something deeper than sadness. It was hollow.

But Steve only chuckled, softly, sadly. “Sure, man. We all do, so, um, just stay healthy for us, alright?”

“Alright.”

“Oh, and one more thing.”

“Yep?”

“Thank you.”

“For?”

“For trying to figure yourself out. You see, realizing you’re struggling is the easy part. But trying to fix it, that’s the hard part.”

**Author's Note:**

> pls comment/kudos if u liked it!   
> I did my best to keep them in character; let me know if I did alright!


End file.
